The Nine Commandments

I You shall have no other gods besides Ditka.

II You shall sell no knock-off merchandise on eBay, or any craptastic memorabilia which shares likeness to what is in SportsHeaven; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For He, the Ditka, is a jealous coach turned sports-analyst on ESPN. You shall worship Ditka and only his commandments.

III You shall not take the name of sports in vain, for Ditka will not hold thee guiltless who takes ESPN’s name in vain.

IV Remember Super Bowl Sunday, to keep it holy. 364 days you shall watch all other sports including the ridiculously long Major League Baseball season, but the 365th day is the best of the sports calendar. In it you shall do nothing, nor your son (unless he is retrieving you beer), nor your daughter (so she can’t see her boyfriend), nor your man/woman servant (which you do not have), nor your dog, nor your friends (who are getting hammered on a Sunday). For in 364 days Ditka hastily analyzed the AFC North and NFC Central, and that is in the NFL, and rested the last day because ESPN does not retain him on this day. Therefore Ditka blessed this Sunday and hallowed it.

V You shall not be arrested for murder, felony battery, DWI or any serious offense if making over one-million dollars per year from professional sports.

VI You shall not father illegitimate children with multiple women without paying child support.

VII You shall not bear false witness to poor play against your teammates. You shall tell the media exactly why said teammate sucks.

VIII You shall not commit major recruiting violations, nor tamper with other franchises players.

IX You shall not covet your friend’s fantasy team; you shall not covet your friends’ star player, nor his backup, nor his third-string, nor anyone that is on your neighbor’s team.

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